Beautiful You - Chuck Palahniuk

                                            ★

[SPOILERS]

No.  Nope.  Just, nope.

What in the actual fuck did I just read?  This is the first time in a long time I've considered carefully tucking the book into the fireplace and burning it.  Okay, maybe not that extreme, maybe just deleting it from my Nook and never reading the rest of it.

I usually enjoy Palahniuk, really...I do!  I'm a little scared to read any more of his new stuff now, though.  Anyway, on to the synopsis:

Okay, so when I read the synopsis before I got this book, it didn't seem like the book would be what it's about.  The synopsis on Amazon is extremely misleading and vague.  I didn't know I was about to be indulging in a story about world domination via sex toys.  I'm actually still not sure if this book was just supposed to be one big joke.  It probably is and I've completely missed the point of the satire.

Female protagonist in the story meets a multi-billionaire dude who is about to release his own line of sex toys named Beautiful You.  He subjects her to near nerve-shattering testing in order to perfect them; she willingly does this, by the way.  Little does she know, these toys are crawling with little nano-bot things that are injected into her body and now take over her lust and libido forever.  Literally.  With a touch of a remote, the dude can control when she and all the other women who bought the sex toys orgasm - and sometimes kills women to death with an orgasm, including a famous actress just accepting some big award on stage.  Oh, did I mention the female protagonist ends up being a clone of his long deceased wife?  (I know, right?  wtf)

The book was extremely cringe-worthy in the beginning, so I didn't think it could get any worse.  I was wrong.  The main chick then travels to this old lady who lives in a cave in Nepal in order to gain mystic knowledge about the old art of tantric sex and stuff.  This old lady whom she visits carries her mother's severed finger inside of her vagina and uses the bones of previous sex students to pleasure herself.  (This is where I almost called it quits).

Anyway, if you're reading this book, or if you're going to read it, you should read it while you're drunk so it's funnier and you can forget it the next day.